


Now My Heart Feels Nothing

by Anonymous



Category: Figure Skating RPF, Olympics RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt, Mentions of redacted, Pain, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 15:51:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21000245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: What happened, happened. There's nothing Tessa can do about it.





	Now My Heart Feels Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> It's an emotional ride.

**2020 **

Tessa doesn’t go to the Ilderton Skating Club anymore. 

In fact, she hasn’t been there since August 2018. Since they flew back home after the Ellen show and spent some well-deserved downtime with their respective families. At first it wasn’t intentional, she really couldn’t spare anytime whatsoever between media appearances, the Stars On Ice shows in Japan and Canada, planning the Thank You Ilderton party and then planning the Thank You Canada Tour, and then 2019 was a whirlwind of pain with their hometown Walk of Fame ceremonies, retirement, the Rock the Rink Tour and in general a shitstorm from hell so we won’t talk about that.

She just couldn’t slot out a bit of time, maybe just an hour or two, to go back to her first rink. Where Tessa had begged her mother for skating lessons so that she’d be able to skate with her first-grade class when they were to go there for their field trip. Where she’d landed her first axel. Where she’d tripped on her toe pick and fallen so many times before she’d been taught how to fall properly. Where she’d had her first crush. Where she’d first met Scott Moir.

If at first, it wasn’t intentional, that is avoiding the Ilderton Rink, now it definitely is.

After the Vancouver Olympics, Tessa and Scott had agreed to always return to their home rink at least once a year, be it during the offseason or during Christmas break, and skate a couple of laps on home ice, maybe teach a couple of young aspiring skaters how to bends their knees and deepen their edges. To come back and ground themselves, to strengthen their connection and harmonize their synchronicity. She remembers the natural comfort warming her body after they stepped off the ice together and left feeling more together than ever before.

She remembers falling deeper in love with Scott every time she’d see him zooming across the ice, carving it with his intricate strokes and careful edges, with the widest grin plastered on his face, his expression beaming with joy. He was always happiest when he skated at the rink that was practically his back yard. Tessa knows that it brought him inexplicable happiness and limitless contentment when he whizzed across the ice at the Ilderton Arena, still wanting to skate as fast as he possibly could. He would smile widely when all the Moirs would gather at the rink and his nieces and nephews would try to scramble up his lithe body to get him to take them for a spin. His eyes would crinkle endearingly at the loud, echoing chorus of “Uncle Scott! Uncle Scott, my turn next!”

She wonders if he still smiles so bright.

So if at first, it wasn’t intentional, now it definitely is.

Tessa has mastered the art of very skillfully avoiding anyone who approaches her with the question of or even mentions the Ilderton Skating Club. 

~

“When are you coming to visit us, sweetheart? We miss you, and the kids at the club could definitely use your expertise.” Alma asks her one day on a long-overdue phone call. 

“Oh, I miss you too, Alma. I’m just so busy with all my sponsors and meetings and whatnot. I actually have to meet up with Marie-France and Scott this afternoon for choreography for the new tour.” She lies so effortlessly, she doesn’t even feel bad.

Alma pauses for a moment. A moment too long and then replies with a heavy sigh.

“Alright then, Tessie, you go on and get going. But call me every once in a while, I miss you, you know. Give Scott my love and tell him to call his mother too. Love you, darling!”

Now Tessa feels bad. 

“I will, sorry again, I miss you too, tell Joe I said hi. Love you too,” her voice cracks at the end and she violently taps on the end call button on her phone. 

She hates lying. 

~

It’s sweltering outside in the Virtues’ backyard at the Canada Day barbecue they throw with the Moirs every year and Tessa wonders if she should find a hat because she probably used too little sunscreen. She wouldn’t want to burn and doesn’t feel too comfortable at the constant rivulets of sweat dripping down her back and other parts of her body where she didn’t know you could sweat from and that’s saying something, seeing as she’s an athlete.

She’s deeply lost in her thoughts when Cara Moir waddles up to her.

“How’ve you been, Tessa? Long-time no see!” She actually saw Cara quite often to work tour logistics and at meetings with Scott until she took a break a few months ago when she fell pregnant with twins.

“I’m fine! Just super busy with work, you know.” She replies with a little too much exuberance when Cara hugs her as tight as she can with her very swollen belly. Tessa feels her babies kick against her ribs and chuckle at the strange sensation. 

“Oh sorry about that, they’re due quite soon so almost any movement gets them excited and kicking like crazy. Not too friendly for my bladder, anyway, tell me about you. How’s the sponsorship with Adidas going? Any merch discounts you can send my way?” the sweet, pregnant woman chortles.

Tessa feels relieved that she doesn’t ask her about skating or touring or anything even remotely close. She updates her friend with the mundane ongoings of her life and they titter through a conversation with Tessa throwing in a heartfelt laugh every once in a while when Cara tells her about how her husband tried and failed to put together cradles for their twins. 

“We had to call Scott then, of course. He was in town to help out at the Arena. Speaking off, can you stop by on, say Monday? Mum mentioned that she needed help with partnering some kids.” Tessa plasters a wide smile on her face and feels sick as she forces out a laugh. She’s about to vomit out a pathetic medley of an apology and an excuse when Cara’s long-time boyfriend, Will, sweeps her into a sweet kiss and deposits a tall glass of lemon water into her hand. “Thank you, baby.” 

While they’re distracted, Tessa sprints away as she mumbles some excuse about getting more beer from inside the house before either Cara or Will can see the tears of frustration welling in her eyes. Tessa feels a rod of jealousy and then instant regret and shame shoot through her as she wishes she had someone like Will. She’s happy for Cara but she wants her own Will. 

She wants her S— she doesn’t finish the thought as she trudges up the stairs into her childhood bedroom and rummages through her drawers till she finds a tube of sunscreen. Then she spends too long a time lathering her bare arms and legs with SPF as she composes herself and reminisces bitterly about the young, naive children in the pictures that littler her walls. She hates feeling like this.

~

It’s the day after Christmas when Jordan corners her in their mother’s kitchen as Tessa is helping put away the last of the leftovers and separating out the discarded wrapping paper.

“Hey Tess, can you please drive Poppy to the Ilderton Rink? Casey promised that Auntie Jo would take them and then I promised that Auntie Tessie would teach her how to skate and you’d think she would forget things like that immediately but let me tell you, that kid is persistent. It’s been a constant rattle of ‘Skate with Tessie,’ around the house, she literally screams it sometimes, Tess. Tessa please, please do this for me.” Jordan just rambles, slightly tipsy from leftover egg nog.

Her brother and his wife had taken a holiday away from family this year and left Poppy in the very capable hands of her aunts and grandmother. She owns Tessa’s whole, entire heart but she refuses to return to that rink, even for her beloved niece. So she scrambles to come with a legitimate explanation, pausing slightly to sift through her mental table of excuses and finally settling on the Hillberg and Berk one. 

“I’d love to, Jordan, you know I would, but I have this Skype meeting with H and B in like ten minutes.” She tries to sound genuinely bummed about and pouts a bit. Hey, at least she puts in the effort.

“Seriously, Tess? It’s Christmas break, they can’t ask you to work on Christmas break!” Jordan sounds so very outraged but in her drunken state, it’s almost endearing. Kate comes into the kitchen then with Poppy, dressed head to toe in skating gear, complete with the cutest baby pink leg warmers over her boots.

“Auntie Tessie!” she shrieks and rams into her legs, hugging them tightly. Tessa feels guilt and dread pooling low in her stomach. She’s going to have to excuse herself soon before she vomits out the hefty brunch she happily downed with her family.

“I know but there’s a design issue with one of the pieces from the New Year, New Me collection and they need me urgently. I may have to fly out to Toronto too, they’re very particular, Jo. I’m sorry, I really am.” _What an elaborate lie,_ she thinks and she schools her face into a sheepish expression. _Well done, Tess._

For the rest of the day, Tessa feels guilt sink its jagged teeth further into her whenever Poppy shoots her a toothy grin. _Well done, indeed._

She books a flight to Toronto the next day and contacts Hillberg and Berk, citing the need to go over the collection one more time before the launch.

~

What tips Tessa over the edge of insanity is when Scott casually asks her to meet for coffee for no real reason the day before New Years'.

She purposely keeps her schedule hectic so that she always has something to do and isn’t alone with her tumultuous thoughts for too long, but this is one of the times when they’re both free and they’re both in London so when he’d called her up to meet for coffee, she’d thought nothing of it. 

They arrive at The Bag Lady almost at the same time and he hugs her tightly, before pulling away and guiding her to a table. Tessa and Scott go through an almond milk cappuccino and a tall black coffee, respectively, with a generous slice of blueberry cheesecake to share and he offers to drive her home when they’re done. They started at three PM. It’s seven PM when they reach her place. Tessa loves that time completely ceases to exist when they are together. She could go on and on about her boring life and work schedule and her friends' lives’ and Scott would listen. He could go on and on about his nieces and nephews and the teams he’s coaching and how the kids finally nailed their step sequence and she would listen.

Arriving at her London home, he turns the key in the ignition and quickly jogs over to her side to open the car door for her, ever the gentleman.

“Hey T, you wanna skate with me for a bit? Grab your skating bag, I got the keys to the rink from Ma, we could totally hit it up now and just have the rink to ourselves. It’s been a while since we skated on home ice together, eh?”

Tessa’s eyes widen and she can feel herself shake slightly as she tries to come up with a way out of it. Out of skating with Scott.

Her memories flashback to that one day in 2019 when she’d decided to surprise him at the Ilderton rink. She knew he’d be there so she woke up at the crack of dawn, skipped breakfast to put on her black mesh bodysuit, the one that she knew he loves, threw on matching black tights and leg warmers, and snuck out of her mother’s house like a teenager. She giggled to herself as she drove over to the rink, stopping at Tims to pick up coffees and chocolate Timbits, smiling brightly at the poor, sleep-deprived barista.

“Have a great day, thank you!” She wished the girl as she handed Tessa the takeaway bag and coffee tray. She left the coffee shop with a kick in her step and a grin on her face that only widened when she pushed open the doors of the rink and heard his booming laugh echo in the distance. Tessa quickly tugged on her skates and hobbled over as quietly as possible, stopping dead in her tracks when she saw him and his companion. Tessa had observed all this from a dark corner she’d backed into, dread coiling in her chest tightly and crushing her windpipe. He dissolved into another peal of laughter when _she_ tripped over her toe pick and fell square on her bum.

_She_ was beautiful in a way Tessa wasn’t. _She_ had a petite body and a small, delicate frame as opposed to Tessa’s muscular build. _She_ didn’t have scars on her hands where blades had cut them and left rough calluses over the years, or on her legs from surgeries. _She_ was clumsy on the ice in a way Tessa wasn’t. _She_ held her arms away from her torso and was crouched in an odd posture in front of Scott as she waited for muscle memory to kick in and for her body to remember how to skate. Her strokes weren’t even and her edges weren’t as deep as Tessa’s but he kept his arms out to catch her, just in case.

Unable to watch them anymore, Tessa had rushed back into the changing rooms, coffee sloshing and dripping from the cups he held in her shaking hands and then as quietly as she had entered the rink, she left.

She’d forgotten for a brief, stupid moment that _she_ was a bigger part of his life now, much more important than Tessa. Her heart had pounded painfully in her chest where an ache built as she slowly pulled her layers back on, slowly mulling over what she had just seen.

“Tess.” he snaps her attention back to the present.

She toes at the snow on the walkway and doesn’t look up at him “Yes?”

“What’s wrong?” He always knows and she wants to tell him but she just can’t, not when _she _makes him so happy.

“Nothing, I’m fine. I just um—I can feel a headache coming on and um I promised my Mum dinner tonight and I can’t, I’m sorry I can’t tonight but maybe some other day?” Tessa stumbles over her words and she can’t look him in the eye when she lies. She wonders if he notices.

His mouth smiles, but the expression does not touch his eyes.

“That’s okay, T. Feel better soon. I’ll see you later, then. Tell Kate I said hi and enjoy your dinner. Love you, kiddo.” He pulls her into a long, warm hug and kisses her cheek softly, shoulders deflated as he turns and walks back down her driveway. Standing in the threshold of her large, empty house, she watches as his car turns around the corner. She wonders if he used to skate with _her_ when he makes seemingly inconspicuous visits. She wonders if he holds _her_ hand when he skates with her.

The ice used to be sacred for them. A place that was only for Tessa and Scott. But not anymore.

_As long as he’s happy, I’m happy. _She tells herself as she lets herself sink slowly down the mahogany door.

_As long as he’s happy, I’m happy. _She tells herself as she books the earliest one-way flight she can find.

~

Tessa is shaken back to reality by the stoic—faced air hostess informing her that they’ve landed.

For the first time in over twenty-three years, she spends New Years on her own, walking the solemn streets of Ljubljana, Slovenia on her own with no one to hold her hand.

_As long as he’s happy, I’m happy._

Tessa doesn’t go to the Ilderton Skating Club anymore.


End file.
